A decaf latte and a lemon & poppyseed muffin

Musings on mental health, recovery and balance.

Oh god, I’ve become one of those people.

Plain, perhaps a little boring?

I mean it’s the sensible choice. It’s gone 2pm I definitely can’t have caffeine. And if I pick one of the super sweet cakes or opt for syrup in my coffee it’ll swing my blood sugar levels into oblivion. I’ll be hyper & over-activated so I’ll be stressed for the rest of the day. Fun.

So yes, perhaps at my ripe age of 31 I have indeed become one of those people.

Boring? Maybe to others.

But deeply in tune with my body and unwilling to sacrifice my health & well-being for instant gratification…yes.

After decades of abusing my body through substances, alcohol, binge eating and god knows what else, I’m finally at a point in my life where I feel a sense of balance.

Although I’ve been in and out of “recovery” since my early twenties it’s only now that I am completely clean. I can thank motherhood for that.

The moment I found out I was pregnant the last tendrils of my addiction were severed.

I’m proud of the life I have created and the woman I have become.

Former me would have perhaps considered it a bit beige and sickeningly wholesome, but I have arrived at a point of inner peace I think I always quietly craved yet ran from.

I forever chased highs and lows worrying that to plateau would be boring. I didn’t know who I was outside of the drama. It’s quite sad to reflect upon, that for my entire teen & twenties I was caught up in some….I don’t even know what. Some story that kept me stuck in a loop of addiction and mental unwell-ness.

17 year old me thinking I was cool whilst slowly destroying my mind & body.

Truthfully if it wasn’t for becoming a mother maybe I would still be there now?

And in some ways I am. In some ways I still struggle with my mood. I can get myself into a funk that will last for days, and often I won’t want to get out of it.

Strangely I find comfort in the messiness of it all. I feel more at home being low then I do feeling happy. It’s easier for me to share how hard shit is than it is for me to celebrate my life.

I’ve battled “mental health” my whole life, but what if there’s nothing to battle?

It’s just myself.

I’ve been peeling back the layers for years. The getting clean, going to therapy, diving head first into self development.

But now my inner work is more subtle. It’s nervous system regulation, it’s being kind to myself, it’s choosing decaf and a lemon & poppyseed muffin.

What choices in your life are reflective of where you are at on your journey? What subtle shifts are occuring within you? I’d love to hear.