Conception

A seed of potential.

I feel pregnant.

I feel full of potential, the seed of possibility spiralling in my womb.

I feel ignited, the spark that took to flame.

I recognise this feeling in my body, I know it.

It’s been a long time.

2 years since my last actual conception, and some time before that since I felt the gestation of something creative deep within my womb.

I do not know yet if this is a physical child, or some other labour of love that is wanting to be birthed through.

There are signs everywhere.

I sense I could become pregnant if I merely chose it to be so.

& it’s so unbelievably tempting and undoubtedly dangerous.

So I do not try and play God.

I surrender to the source of all creation.

I return to the spiral of my womb.

Whatever you will be, greatest Creatrix, I will house you, nurture you, grow you and birth you with all that I am.

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The night before my birthday I went to WomanCraft - a full moon crafting circle held by two of my dearest sisters.

The theme was making goddess statues out of clay.

I was in my absolute element, crafting with my hands dirty, getting grounded in this earthy clay. My inner virgo was very happy.

I was full of creative energy. It was the first night in a long time that I was without my little one and this level of freedom lit me up and made me feel wild!

I knew I was ovulating and the juiciness of this time in my cycle was oozing out of me. I felt fun and flirtatious in all the best ways.

As we were guided in meditation to tune into our wombs, our creative centre, I could feel mine pulsating with the rhythm of life. I couldn’t sit still. Hips circling, spine flexing, my whole body felt alive.

Before starting the creative practice we were invited to pick a card.

Conception.

I laughed and casually dropped into the circle that my partner and I had started to have sex last night, but then moved into other forms of intimacy because I knew I would be ovulating soon.

I sent a cheeky picture of the card to Daniel with a wink.

He replied with a GIF of someone fainting with the caption “Wait, what?”

I allowed my focus to return to my hands and the piece of clay in front of me.

I’m not usually a visual person. I’m kinda crap at creative projects, but I really love working with clay. There’s something raw and wild about it. It doesn’t matter so much if it doesn’t come out a certain way.

All I kept seeing was a pregnant goddess with a spiral on her womb.

She came through so strongly, there was no avoiding it.

So I crafted her.

The form was basic, but instinctual. It was a deep meditative process, which to me is more important than the outcome. But I was pleased with how she came out, adorned with crystals and the spiral on her womb.

www.templeofthefeminineflame.com

After we crafted we feasted under the light of the full moon.

Gathered in circle, sharing, crafting, singing, moving.

This is the medicine for me, and the best birthday gift to myself.

Arriving home that night to my partner, my lover, my man, I allowed myself to romanticise what it would feel to be pregnant again.

The following day, my birthday, I sat in the bath and wrote the journal entry at the beginning of this post…

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The theme of conception stayed with me. I felt it deep within my psyche and my bones.

Once again, I convinced myself I was pregnant.

There is such a tenderness to my grief when my bleed then starts to come.

I don’t want to get pregnant, it’s absolutely not the right time, but there is something about the energy of conception that takes hold of me. That seed of potential. Born from the womb of all creation.

I long for it.

With love,

The Wild Mother