The pregnancy test
Oh here we go again (every. single. month.)
I should lean into the mystery of my body.
I know it’s true, with me wanting a wild pregnancy and all that, but the reality feels far from it.
Perhaps I’ve lost faith in my body, or perhaps the idea of being pregnant again is too painful to bear.
I desperately want another child.
But not now.
I’ve spent the morning considering my options.
Would I be “too pregnant” to use plant allies to prevent it?
Would the egg already be imbedded in my womb?
Would this now call for…a medical abortion?
I’m whipped into a bit of a frenzy by this point and think sod it I’ll take the pregnancy test.
It’s not the “natural & sooooo in tune with my body” way I want to be, but I can’t run these ideas of abortion through my brain when I’m only on cycle day 28 and have been worrying for days.
(The irony is I’m pretty sure we hadn’t even had full intercourse this month, so it was practically impossible)
Needless to say, the worry was there.
And I didn’t want to go through another day of it.
I sit astride the toilet, tear open the wrapper and pee on the designated stick.
Almost instantly it comes up with a singular line.
Negative.
When I was pregnant with Wrenna the test showed 2 very bold lines immediately, so I trust this to be true.
I leave it on the sink and dart back to it every few minutes, just in case.
Nope, definitely negative.
A big sigh of relief. A softening in my body.
Wouldn’t surprise me if my bleed starts now.
Oh wow, this is so vulnerable and so honest. The very first (and only time) I'd ever had unprotected sex, we got pregnant. It wasn't even "full intercourse" either, like you say. It was far from the right time and we planned to be a few years out still before even thinking about adding a little one to our family. I always imagined it would be something planned and I would come up with some fun way to tell my husband, but instead it was just complete shock and us finding out together. Now that my daughter is almost two, we couldn't imagine life without her and are SO grateful that she chose to come when she did. But gosh, I relate to that anxious feeling of 'not now'. Thank you so much for sharing your journey here.