I absolutely cannot get pregnant.

An intimate journal entry.

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I absolutely cannot get pregnant.

The more I think about it the more I convince myself it would be the most terrible thing in the world.

My daughter is 15 months.

It’s taken 15 months to start to feel like me again. Whoever me is.

In fact, it’s probably been more than that.

I handled pregnancy with less-than-grace. Most of it was a write-off. Between nausea and realising I kinda hated who I had become, it was a time for purging not becoming.

But now, in this later stage of post-partum, I am finding who I am as a mother.

And I like this version of me.

She’s more grounded, cares less about the small stuff but more about the big - like becoming self-sufficient and saying fuck you to the government.

She’s carefree but in a really tidy, virgo way.

She’s adventurous, curious, playful and ever so loving. She’s got a greater capacity to love than I ever knew possible.

And now she’s finding herself as a facilitator, a space-holder, a writer and a creator.

It’s exciting.

Becoming pregnant again would ruin all of that.

I don’t think I could cope with the morning sickness, extreme fatigue, pregnancy hormones and bloating. Not on top of running around after my adventurous toddler. There would be zero room for me.

(Not to mention the huge reno project we are about to undergo 😅)

No, becoming pregnant would be a terrible idea.

(Three days later when ovulation kicks in)

Oh but I would so love…..

I wrote this journal entry over 3 months ago. It was part of a series I had written as I documented the hormonal rollercoaster I was experiencing every month. You can find the other posts here:

Somehow this one felt even more vulnerable. Perhaps because I really did think I might be pregnant and the idea of telling the whole of the internet that I didn’t want to be felt like a scam.

I was stuck between two worlds.

The one where I wanted to be pregnant, and the one where I did not.

My partner and I decided to make an agreement. We would no longer have sex in that “in-between” phase between menstruation and ovulation. You know, those cheeky few days before the fertile window truly begins.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stomach the feeling of “am I pregnant?” every month and then the heart-wrenching grief as I was not - followed quickly by insurmountable relief.

We limited our intercourse days to inner-autumn only.

It’s been a tremendous relief each cycle not having those feelings of dread. Don’t get me wrong they’ve been replaced with other worries and spirals. I don’t find the luteal phase particularly easy. But at least I’m not pregnant.

Third trimester with my little Starlight baby.

How do you navigate intimacy and your cycle?

Are you using the “pull and pray” method like I was?

Are you intentionally avoiding intercourse in your fertile window?

Are you open to becoming pregnant so not following any cycle tracking and enjoying it when the moment takes you?!

Let me know. I’m genuinely curious to know how other women navigate this.

I’ve finally felt the yes to publish this. I’m on my bleed, so definitely not pregnant. Still very much in the “it would be a terrible idea yet I still fantasise about it often” phase. As I begin to vision my 2024 I realise that there really isn’t much space for another baby, not yet anyway…