I absolutely cannot get pregnant.
An intimate journal entry.
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I absolutely cannot get pregnant.
The more I think about it the more I convince myself it would be the most terrible thing in the world.
My daughter is 15 months.
It’s taken 15 months to start to feel like me again. Whoever me is.
In fact, it’s probably been more than that.
I handled pregnancy with less-than-grace. Most of it was a write-off. Between nausea and realising I kinda hated who I had become, it was a time for purging not becoming.
But now, in this later stage of post-partum, I am finding who I am as a mother.
And I like this version of me.
She’s more grounded, cares less about the small stuff but more about the big - like becoming self-sufficient and saying fuck you to the government.
She’s carefree but in a really tidy, virgo way.
She’s adventurous, curious, playful and ever so loving. She’s got a greater capacity to love than I ever knew possible.
And now she’s finding herself as a facilitator, a space-holder, a writer and a creator.
It’s exciting.
Becoming pregnant again would ruin all of that.
I don’t think I could cope with the morning sickness, extreme fatigue, pregnancy hormones and bloating. Not on top of running around after my adventurous toddler. There would be zero room for me.
(Not to mention the huge reno project we are about to undergo 😅)
No, becoming pregnant would be a terrible idea.
(Three days later when ovulation kicks in)
Oh but I would so love…..
I wrote this journal entry over 3 months ago. It was part of a series I had written as I documented the hormonal rollercoaster I was experiencing every month. You can find the other posts here:
The pregnancy test
I should lean into the mystery of my body. I know it’s true, with me wanting a wild pregnancy and all that, but the reality feels far from it. Perhaps I’ve lost faith in my body, or perhaps the idea of being pregnant again is too painful to bear. I desperately want another child.
Conception
I feel pregnant. I feel full of potential, the seed of possibility spiralling in my womb. I feel ignited, the spark that took to flame. I recognise this feeling in my body, I know it. It’s been a long time. 2 years since my last actual conception, and some time before that since I felt the gestation of something creative deep within my womb.
Somehow this one felt even more vulnerable. Perhaps because I really did think I might be pregnant and the idea of telling the whole of the internet that I didn’t want to be felt like a scam.
I was stuck between two worlds.
The one where I wanted to be pregnant, and the one where I did not.
My partner and I decided to make an agreement. We would no longer have sex in that “in-between” phase between menstruation and ovulation. You know, those cheeky few days before the fertile window truly begins.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stomach the feeling of “am I pregnant?” every month and then the heart-wrenching grief as I was not - followed quickly by insurmountable relief.
We limited our intercourse days to inner-autumn only.
It’s been a tremendous relief each cycle not having those feelings of dread. Don’t get me wrong they’ve been replaced with other worries and spirals. I don’t find the luteal phase particularly easy. But at least I’m not pregnant.
How do you navigate intimacy and your cycle?
Are you using the “pull and pray” method like I was?
Are you intentionally avoiding intercourse in your fertile window?
Are you open to becoming pregnant so not following any cycle tracking and enjoying it when the moment takes you?!
Let me know. I’m genuinely curious to know how other women navigate this.
I’ve finally felt the yes to publish this. I’m on my bleed, so definitely not pregnant. Still very much in the “it would be a terrible idea yet I still fantasise about it often” phase. As I begin to vision my 2024 I realise that there really isn’t much space for another baby, not yet anyway…
I feel this so much, especially now the option has been taken away, I feel like it’s now become a wanting what I can’t have. I lived with that paradoxical thought of “I couldn’t cope with another baby” juxtaposed with that deep internal yearning of creating a human. Urgh. So many of my friends are pregnant, with first and second babies, and it’s honestly bittersweet.
When the time is right darling, you’ll know 🤍
Hahaha pull and pray. That’s so good.
But yes pull and pray all the way. It’s served us well the last 7 years. With intentional pregnancies to come from it.
I have heard that if a man’s precum is not fertile, then it never will be. But, if it is, then it always will be.
I mean it can go get tested for piece of mind. I just assume we are all good as there have been times where I coulda shoulda become pregnant haha.
I normally (when not pregnant or in early postpartum) track my cycle but I guess because we are in the baby season of our life there’s been a “we don’t want another right now but if for any reason it happened we would have to just go with it”
But I can imagine when we feel complete and finished making babies... things may need to become tighter haha